Proactive and Reactive friends

 Recently I was playing around with the idea that there are several different types of friendships. And not just the common types, business, intimate, useful... No I mean more along the lines of different ways of being a friend. Lets look at a few examples:

Firstly, say you and Jane have been friends for a few years now. She's been over to your house several times and you see each other at school/ a class about once a week. She came to your last birthday party, she knows your parents and siblings, and you've had her over for a sleepover a few times. But you've only been to her house once, you might know her mom if you saw her but probably not her dad, and you have been to her birthday but not at her house. This is an example of what I am calling a proactive friendship. Meaning that you are, in this case, a proactive friend. You take the first move. You are the one sending the invites. You take the steps you need to get to know her better. 

Now lets look at an example of you being what I am calling a reactive friend. You met Katie last year and have been invited over to her house a few times. You couldn't make it all of them but you tried your best because you both are in the same girl scouts and you really want to get to know her. For her birthday she had a super fun party and invited you first of all to be sure that you could make it. Now your birthday is coming up but you can't seem to get around to asking her to come. Your mom keeps badgering you to invite her over for a sleepover but you never have the chance. This would be a great example of a reactive friendship. You let the other person take the lead. Normally you are the busier person and that's okay. 

Now, both of these options are fine and good. I have been both. Just because you are a proactive friend with some people doesn't mean it will be like that with every one and vice versa. You can also be a little of both in the same friendship and not many of us are strictly proactive or reactive. You just have to be careful with your friends and whatever works for you is fine. Where this can sometimes break down is in long distance friendships. Lets look at a problem that I am sure happens daily to us long distance people. 

You just moved two states away from where you used to live next door to your best friend Ann. She promised to write you and call you but so far nothing. You are worried. You have only known Ann for a few years but you two are super close, almost like sisters. She had only been to your house a few times though. But you really thought she would follow through. You asked her to call on your dad's cell. Has she ever talked to your dad? Probably not. But that shouldn't be an issue right? I mean, she's a little shy but not that bad. You wonder if you should try calling. You decide not to. If she wants to talk to you she knows how to do it. Two years later you're still waiting for that first phone call.

This is an example of when being decidedly one or the other, proactive or reactive, can destroy long distance relationships. If you are always waiting for the other person to take the first step you won't get anywhere! This is why it is important, I might even say the most important, that you be a little bit of both. You can lean to one way or the other but being flexible and trying both sides is super important. When you aren't seeing each other every day you miss those visual ques to keep in touch and that is why when you are thinking of someone you should act on it. write a letter, call them up. The worst that can happen isn't that they think you're annoying, that they don't respond, or that they have moved on. It's not trying in the first place. Because even if it wasn't meant to be you will still feel good about the fact that you tried your best.

Some of my best long distance friendships are the ones where we take turns being each job. My best friend and I started talking weekly because she was proactive and called me. From then we have taken it in turns to be the one to call. It helps a lot when both people are willing to put some time and effort into the relationship but we are all busy and trying to keep up with life. But be courteous, if someone has called you five times call them back even for a short conversation or if you have received four long letters since you last sent one but you really don't have the time to reply to them all just jot a quick note. Your friend will get it and will be happy you were thinking of them. And the same goes for the other side too. If you're thinking of someone but are not sore weather or not to call, do it! It's better to leave a message which by the way still lets them know you were thinking of them, than to do nothing at all. 

And that just about sums it up. Of course none of this here is vital to a long distance friendship but it can really help when we understand each other. So try to think about what kind of friend you are and how you could be more of the other side if need should arise.